In Over Our Heads
Friends carry more than we often realize. They're the ones who bring nourishment, mystery, and heart sounds to life's table.
I sat with unbridled admiration thinking about what my friend, Stephanie, had said as she smiled at me, slowly munching on sweet bread.
“You’re telling me you didn’t buy vegetables at all last summer because you did so well with your garden?”
“Yep!” She declared. Then, with artful comedic timing, she added, “It was all zucchini. But I figured, we have lots of it so we’re going to eat it 100 different ways!”
We both burst into laughter, two tired moms who, thankfully, have husbands who allow us to rule the cooking roost no matter how monotonous the diet may be. I love her simplicity. It gets the job done and it makes for a good story later. I was inspired. Why do I feel the need to grow 15, or even 5 different vegetables, most of which will languish under my inattention?
This friend is a kindred spirit, a Colorado country girl who went along with my girlhood whims. We made melodramatic home videos and regularly hauled a raft to the greenbelt ponds to terrorize the geese. She was voted “best laugh” in high school, which is part of what made her such a great friend. She thought everything I did was hilarious.
We sat and talked about kids and husbands and trauma and the mundane moments of motherhood. All these things that demand laughter as an alternative to hiding from our families while binge-eating chocolate. She was pregnant with her third, busy keeping her toddlers from eating batteries, and severely sleep deprived. I was navigating life with four children, one of whom had an attachment disorder. We were both in over our heads.
When we were girls, we would go to a pool and sink to the concrete bottom, serving “tea” to one another until our air ran out. It felt oddly prophetic, to now be sipping our drinks in a restaurant while we calmly discussed the weights we were carrying.
In his book, “Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without,” Tom Rath highlights the ocean-spanning friendship between Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill:
“Throughout World War II, Roosevelt and Churchill exchanged nearly 2,000 letters; spent more than a hundred days together; and celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day with each other…These two world powers and their respective leaders had been there for one another in times of dire need and were about to prevail.” [1]
Soon, Stephanie and I parted ways, knowing it would be another year before our next shared meal. Neither of us left that place with all of our trials overcome. But, in bringing our chaos together, and laying all the cards on the table, we offered one another small modifications that subtly re-engineered the machines of our lives.
Maybe difficulties and victories are best viewed through a shared lens. We all have blind spots. A good friend can help us detect those colors and movements that occur outside our field of view. In my case, the time with Stephanie reminded me that I don’t need an elaborate garden and all my questions answered. I just need relationships that nourish, and simple prayers that remind me where my help comes from.
[1] Rath, Tom. Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without. Omaha, Gallup Press, 2006
Family is assigned. Friend is chosen. Sounds like you chose well.